Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Author: Seth Grahame-Smith

Read: 2/9/2019

Pages: 345

Rating: 1.5/5  

Format: ebook 

Response:

• Elizabeth could not help but roll her eyes as Mary continued. (6%)
• "I am sure my dinners are good enough for her, since she is an unmarried woman of seven-and-twenty, and as such should expect little more than a crust of bread washed down with a cup of loneliness.” (15%)




“It is not Mr. Bingley, you senseless old cur,” (15%)
• Did this fat little priest mean to take her as a wife? She was horrified at the thought of marrying of man whose only skill with a blade was cutting slivers of gorgonzola. (22%)
• Mr. Collins, awkward and uncommonly round, gave her all the shame and misery which a disagreeable partner for a couple of dances can give. (22%)
• before her fat cousin Mr. Collins came up to them, and told her with great exultation that he had just been so fortunate as to make a most important discovery. “Ah! May I suppose, then, that you have discovered the location of the buffet?” said Elizabeth, rudely." (24%)
• "Your father of course may spare you. I have observed your skills in the deadly arts, my dear; and they are not of the level which would make any difference in the fate of Hertfordshire or anywhere else.... and indeed, if the weather should happen to be cool, I should not object to taking you both, as neither of you are fat like Mr. Collins.” (51%)
• But he is an ugly fellow! I never saw such a long chin in my life. I nearly ran him through for thinking him a zombie. (53%)
• “No, no. You forced me into visiting him last year, and promised, if I went to see him, he should marry one of my daughters. But it ended in nothing, and I will not be sent on a fool’s errand again. Not by a fool such as yourself, anyhow.” (82%)

The only reason I pushed myself to finish this book was because of February Bingo. All the characters were so bitter and mean. The entire book could've been written in a way that held the point of zombies being an issue without the characters suffering. It was as though Grahame-Smith tried to make the story more modern but set in the original time period, so it didn't mix well. If you loved the original, don't read this book.

Some of the quotes from the book are almost identical, while others only had small liberties to add in the zombies to make it Grahame-Smith's own. 

• when I am dead, may turn you all out of this house as soon as he pleases.” (15%)
• “An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do; for I shall not have my best warrior resigned to the service of a man who is fatter than Buddha and duller than the edge of a learning sword.” (27%)
• You give me fresh life and vigour. Adieu to disappointment and spleen. What are young men to rocks and mountains? Oh! what hours of mountaintop sparring we shall spend! (37%)
• “I assume you were schooled in Japan?” “No, your ladyship. In China.” “China? Are those monks still selling their clumsy kung fu to the English? I take it you mean Shaolin?” “Yes, your ladyship; under Master Liu.” “Well, I suppose you had no opportunity. Had your father more means, he should have taken you to Kyoto.” “My mother would have had no objection, but my father hates Japan.” “Have your ninjas left you?” “We never had any ninjas.” “No ninjas! How was that possible? Five daughters brought up at home without any ninjas! I never heard of such a thing. Your mother must have been quite a slave to your safety.” Elizabeth could hardly help smiling as she assured her that had not been the case. “Then, who protected you when you saw your first combat? Without ninjas, you must have been quite a sorry spectacle indeed.” “Compared with some families, I believe we were; but such was our desire to prevail, and our affection for each other, that we had no trouble vanquishing even our earliest opponents.” “If I had known your mother, I should have advised her most strenuously to engage a team of ninjas. I always say that nothing is to be done in education without steady and regular instruction. Had my own daughter been blessed with a more suitable constitution, I should have sent her away the best dojos in Japan at the age of four. (39%)
• “Of the deadly arts! Then pray speak aloud. It is of all subjects my delight. I must have my share in the conversation if you are speaking of the deadly arts. There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true enjoyment of them than myself, or a better natural ability. Had Anne’s health allowed her to apply, I am confident that she would have become as great a slayer of zombies as I. How does Georgiana get on with her training, Darcy?” (41%)
• I often tell young ladies that no excellence in the deadly arts is to be acquired without constant practice. I have told Miss Bennet several times, that she will never be half my equal unless she practises more; and though Mrs. Collins has no dojo, she is very welcome, as I have often told her, to come to Rosings every day, and spar with my ninjas, provided she promises to kill no more of them. She would be in nobody’s way, you know, in that part of the house.” (41%)
• Lady Catherine continued her remarks on Elizabeth’s performance, mixing with them many instructions on execution. Elizabeth received them with all the forbearance of civility, and, at the request of the gentlemen, remained on her fingertips till her ladyship’s carriage was ready to take them all home. (42%)

And there were a couple of times that I snorted at the book...

• Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult. (16%)
• “You will excuse me for saying so, but I have never seen a zombie’s head taken off by words—nor do I ever expect to.” (24%)
• “Wah can be da meaning of dis?” howled Charlotte, as soon as he was gone. “Mah dear Ewiza, he muss be love you, aw he never wuh have called in dis famiwiar way.” ( 43%)
• I can remember no symptom of affection on either side, other than her carving his name into her midriff with a dagger; but this was customary with Lydia. (69%)
• Lydia was exceedingly fond of him. He was her dear Wickham on every occasion. He did every thing best in the world; and she was sure he would kill more zombies this season, than any body else in the country, in spite of the fact that he had no use of his arms. (78%)
• The terms were as follows: Wickham’s debts were to be paid, amounting, I believe, to considerably more than a thousand pounds, plus another thousand per annum to sustain him. In return, he would marry Lydia, thus restoring her honour, and that of the Bennet family. Second, he would allow Mr. Darcy to render him lame, as punishment for a lifetime of vice and betrayal, and to ensure that he would never lay another hand in anger, nor leave another bastard behind. To spare what little of his reputation remained, the injuries would be attributed to a carriage accident. Finally, he would pursue the priesthood, in hopes that the teachings of Christ would improve his general character. Darcy personally saw to it that all of this was attended to with the greatest expedience. (I dare say he took particular pleasure in beating Mr. Wickham lame.) (79%)
• Lydia came to us; and Wickham, newly lame, was carried to the house to recover, and to be fitted for his traveling bed, which Mr. Darcy generously paid for.  (80%)
• “He is as fine a fellow,” said Mr. Bennet, as soon as they were out of the house, “as ever I saw. I dare say I much prefer him in this relaxed state.” (81%)





“I admire all my three sons-in-law highly,” said he. “Though Wickham,” he said with a sly smile, “is perhaps my favourite, for he fidgets the least.” (94%)

And for shits and giggles...

• “Your balls, Mr. Darcy?” He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered, “They belong to you, Miss Bennet.” (62%). We know what the author did here. It was stupid but they did it lol. 
• And there is something of dignity in the way his trousers cling to those most English parts of him. (63%)
• Fatigued as she had been by the morning’s attack, they had no sooner dined than she set off in quest of her former acquaintance, and (unbeknownst to the sleeping Mr. Gardiner) her evening was spent in the satisfactions of intercourse renewed after many years’ discontinuance. (63%) 
• Much to Mr. Gardiner’s displeasure, they had been walking about the place with Mrs. Gardiner’s old “friend,” a Polish-born gentleman who went only by “Sylak,” (63%). I hate this portrayal of the aunt. There's not supposed to be any old lover involved :( 
• And since this sad affair has taken place, it is said that he left Meryton greatly in debt, and left at least one poor milkmaid in a delicate condition; but I hope this may be false.” (71%) This was 100% a wtf moment. I was so shocked we went there. 
• This letter is from a Colonel Fitzwilliam—a man who, before receipt of this letter, I had never heard of in all my life.” (90%) At this point I thought the story was going to completely change and it was going to be Colonel Fitzwilliam that Elizabeth ended up with, even though that’s not the original at all.
• “Mr. Darcy, you see, is the man! Now, Lizzy, I think I have surprised you. Could he have pitched on any man within the circle of our acquaintance, whose name would have given the lie more effectually to what they related? Mr. Darcy, who never looks at any woman but to see a blemish, and who probably never looked at you in his life! Imagine such a thing!” (90%) This turned out to be a good round about and I enjoyed it.
• But I believe I must date it from my first seeing the way his trousers clung to those most English parts.” (93%)